Is This End Game?
by KillerQueenHelekonla
Summary: A challenge presented to me by my friend from dA, who seems to like my writing. Rated K just to be sure! Theme: Ascention to a higher plane; Fandom: Death Note; Idea: Raito Yagami Light after he dies. Hallucinates or does he? that L is there... What next?; And the following quotes... "So...imagay, eh?" "How do Shinigami reproduce?" "Are you going to eat that cake?"
1. Prologue

His heart races, waiting for a reply. He _can't_ die – not yet. This can't be it: he has so much left to do. Nothing else matters as he looks up into the eyes of the last being he thinks he can trust. Not the blood on his shirt. Not the pain in his chest. Not the people behind him. Nothing but the next thing he hears.

"Goodbye, Raito Yagami." It's so quiet that no one can hear it over the pencil scratching his name into the book. No one except him, and that's only because he wanted to hear Ryuk's words, praying it was anything but that. He knows it's all over now, but it's not fair. He's not supposed to die! He's Kira, God of the New World! Gods don't die!

"No! I don't want to die! No!" He falls to his knees as he screams, wasting his last breaths, not on hopeful reprieve for his sins (although the whole room knows now that it would do nothing to help his situation: he's going straight to Purgatory), but a useless protest.

_Lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub…lub-dub… lub-dub… lub-dub… lub-dub… lub-dub… lub-dub…lub—_

As the darkness overtakes him, he can think of only one thing to say. One last sentence and a fragment at that. He realises exactly what he is the instant his heart stops. He isn't God. He's mortal. And he's going to die now, despite his best efforts and his cocky confidence. After everyone he's killed, after all the lies he's told, after everything he's done. He's going to die.

"D-Damn it."


	2. Chapter 1

**Purgatory**

_They all betrayed him in the end, Raito thinks. Everyone he ever loved; ever trusted; ever hated, even. So he damns them. All of them._

_Ryuk, for sending him to his doom._

_Misa and Takada, for distracting him and leaving him open to attack because of their screw-ups._

_Mikami, for renouncing him as God and letting him die._

_His sister, Sayu, his mother Sachiko, and especially his father, Soichiro, for getting in his way._

_Lidner, Gevanni, and Rester of the SPC, for daring to go against him._

_Mogi, Ide, and Aizawa for, suspecting him because of the meddling of the SPC, after it had been 'proved' that he wasn't Kira._

_Matsuda, for turning on him, shooting at him three times and hitting him twice._

_Watari, for getting L involved in the first place._

_L, for knowing he was Kira all along, and waiting for the right evidence to back it up._

_Mello and Near, for figuring it all out and having the right evidence to back themselves up, proving that it took two people to exceed even L and catch him, even if one of them died._

_He doesn't understand why it all fell to pieces. What went wrong? He'd tried to create a new world, a better world, for everyone. A world without crime, war, or violence, where everyone could feel safe. He'd tried to improve it for__**everyone**__, not just himself. Yes, he'd become power hungry in the end, but his goal had never changed and, anyway, what's wrong with wanting to be recognised as saviour of the world? Even if it__**was**__as Kira: a faceless mask of cruel justice and death. And then he remembers why they hunted him down._

_In his state of just-death, memories of the faces of his victims force themselves upon his eyes, torturing him with knowledge. The full weight of his sins lands squarely on his shoulders, like a lead parasite on his soul. The ghastly truth of his goal becomes clear, and the 'insults' they threw at him – a mass murderer, evil, inhuman, cruel, disgusting, a demon – suddenly aren't as much of a lie as he once thought. They suddenly describe him perfectly, and he knows that people tried to stop him, not because they didn't understand, but because they understood__**perfectly**__._

_He feels the need to scream at the top of his lungs at the horror of it all, and to plead, weeping profusely, for forgiveness for his sins. But he does not scream. He cannot scream. For how can one scream when he no longer has a body? The man who terrified the world for so long as Kira – heathen 'God' of the New World – is merely a soul now, unattached to a physical form. He can only watch as his crimes terrorise him…_

Raito quickly opens his eyes, shooting bolt upright from the sleeping position he had been in. His breath is heavy with panic, as if he just woke up from a nightmare, which he decides isn't too far off the truth. Bushing his light brown hair out of his eyes, he looks around and finds himself in a bed, in a room just like the bedroom he shared with L when they were chained together. For a split second, he thinks that maybe, just maybe, he dreamed the whole thing. He never killed anyone. Never found the Death Note. Never met L. Never died because of his lies, his blood thirst, or his hunger for power in a perfect world he had created.

But he knows that's not true. He's dead and, on top of that, in Purgatory. He rips the sheets off himself and immediately begins pacing around the room, hoping to figure out the answers to the questions buzzing in his head like angry hornets. What happens now? Where does he go? Is there some form of repentance he has to complete? How do Shinigami reproduce? More importantly, _can_ Shinigami reproduce and if not, is there some way he can become one instead of being stuck here? Are there others here? Can he see them? Can they see him? Will they talk to him? Is L here? What will L do when he sees him? What will _he_ do when he sees L?

"If you keep pacing around the room like that, you are going to make throw up from all the circling." His hazel eyes widen and he turns to face the familiar voice. There, in a chair near the bed, is L, sitting as he always used to on Earth: feet bare, and toes wriggling. Nothing about him has changed at all since… the last Raito saw him. Same messy, raven-coloured, mop of hair. Same expressive onyx eyes. Same pale skin, except for the dark bags around his eyes, like a panda's markings. Same white shirt and blue jeans. The detective is smiling kindly at him, his eyes innocent, warm, and laughing.

"Hello, Raito-kun. I knew you were Kira: 100% possibility." Raito suddenly feels the need to hug the older man. Though they were enemies in life, Raito has never truly hated L. When L had proclaimed them friends, Raito's agreement had been genuine despite whatever beliefs he had convinced himself of at the time. It still was, but he was hesitant. What if it was a cruel trick the Shinigami had decided to play on him for so foolishly comparing himself to them?

"Ryuzaki? Is… is that you?"

"Yes. You can call me L-kun, if you like. I know we're friends, Raito-kun, so don't feel awkward."

"Are… are you a hallucination?" L considers this for a moment, and then shrugs dismissively.

"I don't know. Fantasy and reality are not completely separate things here to _anyone_. I might be your imagination playing tricks on you. Or _you_ might be _my_ hallucination. Or we may both be here. Or not. It's never truly clear which one is true, and it never will be. The real question is do you _want_ me to be here?"

"Yes!" His reply is more urgent and said more quickly than he would like, but it doesn't matter right now. L is here. The one person he regretted killing is here, and he's not angry or yelling. Even though Raito himself didn't kill L, the deed had been carried out on his orders. But L didn't look surprised. In fact, he stands up and closes the space between them, folding Raito into his embrace.

"I missed you too, Raito-kun." That's all it takes to set Raito off. He clutches L to himself and cries like a small child. The façade he ingrained into his soul for so long – the cold, emotionless, psychopath who had kept him safe from the horrors of what he'd done – dropped away, leaving him emotionally bare and unprotected. L soothes him, and Raito can only think of how out-of-character this is for L. Perhaps Purgatory has changed the detective; but then, perhaps he never felt comfortable in life to do such things. After all, it doesn't matter here.

"I… I'm so sorry, L-kun," he sobs. "I've always regretted what I did to you. I was so messed up and I… I know that there's no excuse in the world that could ever justify what I did to you, or even what I did to all those other people. It makes sense to me now, but back then… I honestly thought I was doing the right thing." L holds him at arms' length, but only so, he can look Raito in the eye.

"I know and I forgive you. However, that no longer matters. Do you think I don't regret locking you up, or emotionally and mentally torturing you? I do, of course, but we must remember that we're no longer alive and there's no chance of us ever being so again. There's no sense in grudges or even in regrets here. For though to feel both is natural for the human soul, to lament and resent for all eternity is surely a waste, especially once the reason for either is lost in the sands of time.

"You must let it all go, Raito-kun. Let it fade into oblivion and let yourself be at peace. You can't angst about your actions in life for all eternity. You'll become unbearable to be near, otherwise." Raito smiles, the first genuine one in a very long time. L has not rejected him. He is not going to be alone for all of eternity.

"So you _are_ real?" A swell of hope flares up in Raito's heart. L considers his reply carefully.

"I'm as real as you are." Raito laughs. He had missed their philosophical conversations after L died: no one else was quite intelligent enough to make things interesting or beat him.

"That's not a definite answer."

"Ah, but neither is our existence."

"But we're here, right?"

"Are we?"

"Well, _I'm_ thinking and I presume that you are too…"

"I'm _always_ thinking." L sounds slightly insulted by his words, but Raito ignores it.

"Therefore, we exist," he says, thinking that he's won.

"We _are_ dead." L points out. Any irritation or rivalry that might have flared his temper in response to this was no longer present as it had been in life. Instead, Raito chuckles at L's stubbornness.

"Does it make a difference to the point?" L sighs, but not in defeat.

"I suppose not."

"So we _are_ here?" Raito asks, looking for confirmation. L nods.

"On your premise, yes." Something occurs to Raito, and he frowns.

"Suppose I'm wrong? What do we do? How do we find out who's right, anyway?" L considered this.

"We could always ask Mello…"

"Mello?" Raito repeats in disbelief. The very idea of the man who got his father killed being here is confronting for Raito. Thoughts race through Raito's head.

Can he really spend eternity in such a being's company? Then it occurs to him that he's here and so are all the people he killed or had someone else kill. He supposes that if _they_ aren't protesting his presence, that he can tolerate Mello's. And it then he remembers that _Mello_ was one of the people he ordered dead. L, however, takes his words as confusion.

"Oh, you never met him? Blond-haired, blue-eyed Russian orphan who worked with the Mafia? Mikhail Kheel, one of my successors? Pity. He's quite a character. The two of you would have quickly become fast friends…" L sounds almost nostalgic, as if wondering what would have happened if Raito _had_ met Mello.

"We never met _in person_, but I knew _of_ him," Raito says quickly. "We had some… _contact_." He hopes that L will pick up on what he means.

"Oh yes. He mentioned that he kidnapped your sister and then caused your father's death when he exploded the building you tried to capture him in. Oh, and that he accidentally helped Near capture you, which – from what I understand – led to the Shinigami, Ryuk, killing you." L sounds almost blasé about the whole affair, causing anger to swell in Raito's chest. And then he feels guilty, remembering his order for Mello's death himself for no reason other than evasion of capture.

They had both done terrible things in order to escape captors, and neither of them had felt a shred of remorse at the time. Only Mello had only been trying to do the lawful thing, even if he disobeyed the law to do it. Raito's deeds had been done so that he could follow his twisted path to glory, which had slipped through his fingers like sand anyway.

"I ordered him killed, so I can't really complain," he says sheepishly. L smiles and claps his hands happily.

"Wonderful! You're letting go already. Shall we go, then?" Raito's face changes from guilt to bewilderment.

"Go where?"

"To see Mello, of course. You _do_ want to know if we are real or not, don't you?" Raito bites his lip – he doesn't want L going out of his way just to help _him_.

"You don't want to know?" L thinks and then smiles.

"I suppose I _am_ curious about it all… Let's go then!" He grabs Raito's hand, like it's the most natural thing in the world, and pulls him in the right direction. All Raito can do is widen his eyes in confusion and then smile, letting L lead the way.


	3. Chapter 2

**Start Anew**

The walk to Mello's isn't as far as Raito had anticipated: it turns out that the room he awoke in is L's and that only two hundred meters down the hall is Mello's. He asks on the way whether or not there's an "outside." L laughs and tells him that there is – they're just in a house – and promises to show him later, only it's night time at the moment, so perhaps in the morning. Despite the fact that Mello is blissfully unaware of their presence (seeing as he's asleep), Raito regrets letting L make him visit the boy soon after they enter the room. All it does is make him feel guiltier about killing Mello and for hating him so strongly.

He'd never seen the extent of the boy's injuries (or at all, when he thought about it) from the explosion that had caused Soichiro such terrible injuries, that Raito had been forced to watch his own father die as a result of his own selfish actions. After all, Soichiro had only been there because he was tracking Kira down. He hadn't known that his son was the mass murderer he was bent on capturing. He'd thought he was aiding the investigation, not Kira's elimination of all those who had opposed him.

Raito had always assumed that Mello had escaped the burning building without a hitch. After all, Takada, who had seen Mello when Raito had sent her to kill the boy with a scrap of the Death Note, had died before she could tell Raito any of that (she died thanks to Raito writing _her_ name in the Death Note. After all, he couldn't have her turning on him because of some misplaced sense of morality, could he?). Now, as he waits with L for the sleeping boy to awaken, he sees that he was wrong.

Mello is sleeping without a shirt on and his shoulder-length golden-blond hair is tied up, so Raito can clearly see the raw, red-brown scar on the boy's left hand side. It stretches down from his neck to his hip. It's about the width of Raito's hand and stands out against the muscled, lightly tanned skin. Even more so against the tight, black leather pants Mello is wearing.

"Isn't he uncomfortable in those?" Raito whispers to L, trying to distract himself from the horrific marking that the burn left on the otherwise-perfect skin.

"No, he always wears those." L doesn't even bother to lower his voice. Raito frets that Mello will wake, see him sitting there uninvited, and hurt him somehow (L also explained on the way over that pleasure and pain responses are the same in Purgatory as on Earth – though sickness and death are not possible here).

But the boy merely makes a small whining noise and turns over to face them. Raito wishes he hadn't. The scar is just as bad on Mello's chest, and actually covers part of the left side of his face, a ragged diagonal edge that leaves his nose and mouth untouched. Somehow, his hair and his left eye are untouched too, but Raito doesn't have much time to think on it as two ice blue eyes snap open and _glare_. Raito is reminded of the way Misa looked at him during _that_ time of the month whenever he ignored her.

"What. The. Hell?" Raito had been expecting a girlish shriek, but what comes out of Mello's mouth is definitely male. And angry. _Very a_ngry. He squeezes his eyes shut and tenses, waiting for a proper beating. After all, that's what you do to the man who ordered your death. Isn't it?

"Why the hell are there people in my room?" Mello rages, sitting up to face them. His eyes make him seem older, as if all the horrifying things he's seen aged him from the inside out. "Get the hell out! I'm trying to sleep here!" L sighs.

"Mello-kun, calm down. We're simply here to ask a question that only you can answer. Now, you can calm down and act politely, or I'll eat _this_ in front of you." He brings out a bar of chocolate he tucked into his pocket before they left (Raito had thought it very strange at the time, but didn't say anything). Mello looks shocked, and then pouts childishly, moving to sit cross-legged.

"Fine, I'll start over." – He shuts his eyes, and then opens them, with a smirk on his face – "Hey, L-sama. Nice to see you invited yourself in, though I would prefer it if you knocked next time, instead of watching me sleep like some creepy stalker. Who the hell is _he_?" His question is accompanied by a long, slender finger jabbed in Raito's direction. L hands over the bar at the end of the speech, and gives Raito a look that says "that's as close as we're going to get with him" in reply to Raito's frowning confusion. Mello ignores them, and snatching the chocolate with a hurried "thanks" before beginning to devour it. However, his eyes never leave L's face.

"This is Raito Yagami." Mello stares at L, chokes on his chocolate, and then sets it down, eyes never leaving L's. After a moment, he turns his gaze on Raito and squints. Raito feels embarrassed, especially when L wanders out, mumbling something about tea and getting acquainted. Surely, Mello knows the connotations of that name, whether he died before Raito was confirmed as Kira or not? For a second the boy considers Raito, and then proffers a hand. Raito leaves his seat and shakes the hand, smiling as nicely as he can, before reseating himself.

"Nice to meet you," Mello grins. "To be honest, I thought Kira would look scarier."

"I thought anyone who controlled a Mafia boss would look older and more masculine." The second that the words leave Raito's mouth, he visibly flinches. Now he's done it: Mello's going to kill him. Well, _torture_ him: after all, it's not possible to die in Purgatory. Still, L _had _stressed that pain can still become well acquainted with him again. But the ex-Mafia Russian just laughs. The smile on the boy's face somehow makes his scar _much_ less obvious.

"Good burn," Mello chuckles. "I also thought Kira would be boring to talk to, but you seem like an alright guy, Raito-san." The ease at which Mello accepts him astounds Raito. Then he notices something.

"You look slightly… older than what Dad described you as being." He dances around the subject: it could only lead to trouble. After all, Raito never set eyes on the boy, only knowing of Mello's looks from descriptions, which is why he could never write down 'Mihael Kheel' in his Death Note for any effect. Mello shrugs and cracks his back.

"Everyone who stays here ends up being 25 here, physically at least," he replies, taking his hair out and shaking his head. The blond tresses fall down in a short, clean bob. "Since I was younger than that, I get to age. If you're older, you'll regress. It's weird, but you'll get used to it." Raito opens his mouth to ask Mello if he's seen Soichiro (and if so, where is he?), but snaps it shut.

In life, he was selfish, insensitive, traitorous, and – dare he admit it? – _evil_. He wants _this_ existence to be different. He wants to be the person he always pretended to be, knew he could be and _wanted_ to be. Asking Mello about Soichiro, especially if the boy hasn't forgiven himself for causing the death of Raito's father, would be extremely insensitive. Mello must read the question in his eyes, because he answers it.

"Your father's not here, Raito-san." Raito's mouth drops open in shock.

"W-what?" He doesn't see L re-enter the room, but he can somehow feel the detective's presence by his side again, even before the man places his hand on Raito's shoulder in comfort. Mello sighs, but his eyes are sympathetic. They've also aged again.

"For most souls, Purgatory is… a waiting room, shall we say. They're waiting just for a new body for them to be reincarnated in. When that time arrives, they enter the Rebirth Portal, and they're reincarnated on Earth as a new being. They don't have any memory of any previous life, or of Purgatory. They lead a completely new life, with no repercussions at all. You never gain back any of your old memories, just a sense of déjà vu where particularly strong memories took place. But that doesn't bring the soul's old memories back; nothing does, no matter what.

"Most souls don't stay more than… a week, I guess – after all, time doesn't really matter here. They keep going around until the end of time. But not everyone gets to keep returning. See, most souls are like mist. They don't have a physical presence in Purgatory. There are only several souls that _do_. These souls only get to keep living lifetimes on Earth until they reincarnate in what's called an Ultimate: when they are in a body that, at the age of 25, will exactly match their physical presence in Purgatory.

"After they die in that body, they stay in Purgatory for the rest of eternity. They keep all their memories of that life: it's supposed to be the Ultimate Life for that soul, no matter how horrible it actually is. They'll all die young, but they're intelligent to the point of genius and make a _huge_ impact on the world in some way. No one here or in the Shinigami world knows _why_ the four of us exist in this way, since it's never happened before, but here we are."

"_Four_ of us?" Raito blinks. Mello's suddenly silent, a pain in his eyes. L replies for the silent boy.

"Yes. You, Mello, Near and myself are the four unique souls that possess this ability. The only one left to arrive here is Near."

"So… Ryuk knew about this before he even met me, right?"

"He definitely knew of our existence here. But I doubt he knew it was _you_, or even that he knows of it now. They never come here, anyway: they're not allowed… Are you going to eat that cake?"

"Huh?" Looking down at his lap, Raito notices that L has given him a slice of strawberry cheesecake. Where the detective _got_ the dessert from, Raito doesn't know, but there's something comforting about the food. Then he remembers his mother making him strawberry cheesecake as a child, the first time he aced an exam. Suddenly he feels queasy and quickly gives the cake to L (who has long finished his). Then it hits him well and truly: Soichiro Yagami is _gone_. Forever.

The rest of the visit to Mello's is a blur to Raito. He remembers saying something to Mello, something like 'it was great meeting you in person.' He doesn't remember: the whole time, he's lost in shock and grief.

"You were right." L says suddenly, breaking Raito's reverie as they walk back down the hallway to L's room.

"Huh?" L smiles at Raito's confusion, but not maliciously. It's an understanding smile. For a split second, Raito's anger boils and he rages internally: how the hell could L understand? And then it passes as he remembers that L is an _orphan_ and that even if he wasn't waiting for his parents, he was certainly waiting for Watari. He knows from the time he spent chained to L that the two were as close as father and son.

"We exist. We're here." Raito blinks and then laughs. He laughs more than he has in _years_.

"You already knew that I was right. Why'd you argue?" L smiles shyly.

"I wanted to see you smile, Raito-kun. In the time I knew you, you only ever truly smiled a few times. It was those times when I could see _you_. Not Raito Yagami: top student; Kira; son of the Japanese Police Chief, soon to assume his father's role; self-proclaimed God of the New World. I saw my friend: someone I can rely on; someone I trust with all my heart and soul…" He trails off, and it seems like there should be something more. It hangs in the air between them, invading what would otherwise be a comfortable silence.

Raito knows what comes after that, what should have been said. 'Someone I love'. The very implication of the thought is enough to send his brain into panic mode. Questions flew around his head, begging to be answered. Is it simply 'friend' love or is it something more? If it's the latter, how will it affect their friendship? Exactly what does _he_ feel for _L_? What if their feelings toward each other are different? Can he reciprocate L's feelings if they _are_ more than 'just friends' feelings and vice versa? In the end, he asks nothing and lets L lead him blindly. They end up standing in front of a room across from the one Raito woke up in.

"This is your room," L says, opening the door. It looks exactly like his bedroom in his parents' house back on Earth.

"Why did I wake up in _your_ room, then?" he asks, perplexed. L shrugs.

"Logic makes no sense here." – The detective stifles a yawn, looking more tired than ever – "It's late and I'm sure you wish to sleep or at least think over what's happening now. I'll see you in the morning." He smiles sleepily and toddles off. Raito watches him, wanting to speak, but knowing he shouldn't. But when L's hand closes on the doorknob, he calls out before he can stop himself.

"I thought you were an insomniac." L chuckles.

"_Were_ being the operative word. The bags under my eyes have always been a part of my soul. No matter how much I sleep – and I once slept for a month straight – they won't go away. Just like Mello's scar isn't going to fade. But the memories behind them will slowly become less damning. Now, I've got some sleeping to do. Goodnight, Raito-kun." The detective offers one last sleepy smile before disappearing into his room.

"Goodnight L-kun." Raito enters the room. Nostalgia overcomes him. He sometimes used to hang out with his friends here. He used to talk to Sayu and teach her things here. He used to get woken up, as a young child, by Sachiko every morning here. He talked to Soichiro about achievements, cases, and father-son pride here. Then nostalgia turns into nausea.

He _killed_ people in here. He murdered them in cold blood here. He manipulated some of their last actions here. He plotted the deaths of L and Watari here. So many terrible things were done here. It feels less like a bedroom, and more like a mausoleum. He curls up under the bedspread and sobs silently, the Twin Rivers on his cheeks pooling onto his pillow, carrying him to sleep and oblivion.


	4. Chapter 3

**Definitely**

Things don't get any less confusing for Raito over the ensuing weeks. In fact, it gets _more_ baffling every day. For a start, he has no idea how to define how he feels for L. They're friends – that's a given. So, obviously, there are friendship-related feelings between them. But it isn't like his friendship with Mello, where there's a sense of brotherliness: (as much as any male would deny it) a sort of fraternal-friendship-love. With L, it's something _more_. Something deeper. He's not quite sure what it is, but it's there.

He dismisses the notion of romantic feelings, but not altogether. He knows it's possible – he just wouldn't know it if it _is_. He never loved anyone outside of his family in life: Misa and Takada had been his pawns – he'd formed no sort of emotional attachment to them, only knowledge of what would happen if they turned on him. Friends and other girls he'd ever been with were nothing of real importance to him. He hadn't even spoken to any of his school friends after he'd left for college and – later – to join the police working with L.

The closest thing he'd had to a real friend on Earth had been L – even Mikami had been nothing more than a puppet. Which makes things make even less sense: if he'd been so antisocial (and he _had_), then why has he actually managed to maintain a friendship with L, even now? Intellectually, they are matched, or almost in line anyway (if Raito's honest with himself, he knows that L is smarter than him). Their personalities have similar aspects: determination, endurance, persistence, stubbornness, and a little bit of antisocial behaviour. They have their differences, but Raito has no problems with those.

His confusion is only enhanced whenever he and L spend time together, just the two of them. He doesn't let it show, but he becomes wracked with nerves every time, especially if L happens to be walking close by – although the distance at which his nerves consider them to be 'too close' gets further and further away every time they come in contact. It isn't an unpleasant nervousness, but as far as Raito can tell, L is feeling the same.

Since neither of them is willing to admit that they have strange feelings toward the other, the nervousness turns into tension between them. At first, Raito is confident that the tension will dissipate when the two of them separate, and that everything will be fine between them, but it only builds higher and higher. They try avoiding each other, but it only makes things worse, until neither of them can stand it anymore. So, one fine afternoon, they end up having an all-out screaming match in Mello's room, the two of them throwing insults and accusations at each other as the owner of the room watches them with much amusement.

"God, what is your _problem_?" Raito finally snarls. L's eyes are ablaze with anger and resentment.

"What's my problem? Isn't it obvious or are you just stupid? My problem is _you_ and _being around you_! You had me killed off so that you could evade being captured – which, may I add, happened anyway! And I'm supposed to act _normally_? Like none of it ever happened?" Instead of becoming defensive, Raito attacks L with just as much vigour.

"Yeah? Well _you_ locked me up and tortured me based on _suspicion_, and then emotionally and mentally toyed with me!" Mello suddenly butts in to the fight, smirking.

"You know, they say when two people fight, they really care about each other… Shit. I've been hanging around Matt… I _used_ to hang around Matt too much…" The smirk is lost as Mello suddenly remembers that Matt's soul no longer exists as Matt, but as someone completely different who doesn't remember him. Raito could swear that when the boy rubs his eyes, there's a little moisture on his palms afterwards. L shakes his head vigorously when Raito looks to him in question, their fight temporarily put aside.

"Who's Matt?" he asks Mello, trying to be gentle. The boy audibly sniffles, but shows no other sign of emotion.

"No one. It doesn't matter." L gets up and sits next to Mello, putting his arm around the saddened orphan.

"Mello-kun, it's okay to mourn," L says comfortingly. "He was a wonderful friend to you, and you've lost him forever. I know that it must be excruciatingly painful and difficult for you, but one day, you'll have to forget about Matt."

"It's not that easy!" the boy shouts, tears actually flowing now. "What… what if _Raito-kun_ wasn't one of us? Would _you_ forget about him that easy? I mean, the emotions aren't the same – he was just a friend – but still! He was my _best friend_, L-sama! I can't just _forget _him!"

"You can, you must, and you will, Mello-kun. It'll be difficult. And you're right: if Raito-kun wasn't like us, I'd be devastated. But you can't cling to something that's already gone, Mello. Not for too much longer. Near will be here soon, and he'll need you more than ever." Mello scoffs.

"Yeah, right. Like the almighty, Kira-catching Near could ever need _me_. No offence, Br— Raito-kun."

"You can call me 'bro', if you like," Raito smiles. "After all, we're like brothers, and there's no point putting it off or anything. Neither of us is going anywhere anytime soon. Or ever." – He pauses, and then reflects on Mello's forgotten statement – "Hey, wait a second! What was that you said before? About me being totally and unconditionally in love with L?" His thoughts flew out of his mouth before he can word them better, and he internally winces. Mello chuckles and gives him a grateful, watery smile.

"I said 'like', but your Freudian slip works too. Especially when it shows exactly how both of you feel…" Both Raito and L blush crimson and Mello laughs again, this time sounding stronger.

"H-how do you know people slip up like that, huh, Mello-kun?" Raito snaps defensively. The boy's eyes sparkle, all sadness buried deep beneath an ice-blue surface.

"Ooh, no denial from either side. Interesting. That aside, I know because I used to do it, although I usually covered it up better than that. Besides…" He trails off and mutters something to himself obviously hoping it'll go unheard. It half-works, since Raito's not close enough to hear it at all, but L catches it anyway. There's an awkward silence as Raito waits for an explanation.

"So… imagay, eh?" L asks. Mello nods unhappily. Raito blinks in surprise, but says nothing. He's always been very open-minded about people's sexuality, but he's never actually met someone who was homosexual. Not that he remembers, anyway.

"I've known for a long time. It's… most guys… I'm just not interested in them. I… I've only really ever been in love once. And he hates me, so there goes that!"

"Near doesn't hate you, Mello-kun." – Raito's jaw almost drops – "He's just confused: you sent him a lot of mixed messages, you know."

"I know. I just… I hope that when he gets here, he'll forgive me… for everything." Raito speaks up at this.

"If L can forgive _me_ for killing him, I'm sure Near will forgive you for whatever you've done." L glares at him, making Mello crack up. But the detective says nothing. In fact, he stops talking to Raito altogether. Once they leave Mello's room three hours later (or so Raito estimates – there's no need for time or watches in Purgatory, after all) though, L whirls around in the hallway, eyes flashing dangerously.

"I _don't_ forgive you for what you did to me," he snaps. "I trusted you, Raito-san, and you betrayed me in the worst way." Raito would never admit it aloud, but he feels as if part of his heart's been ripped out and shredded. Especially the demotion of his honorific.

"I thought you said you had." He expects L to hiss some more just to rub salt into the wound, but the detective surprises him by groaning and shaking his head.

"I _have_. But I'm mad at you and I know that when you're mad at someone you lo— care for, you bring up past mistakes that they truly regret, and cross lines that you'll come to lament stepping over later." L storms off, leaving the words to sink in. Raito blinks. L didn't mean it. L doesn't hate him. L forgives him. A wave of emotion overcomes Raito, and before he can stop himself, he runs after the detective, calling his name happily. L turns to face him, frowning slightly, and Raito tackles L to the ground in a hug, his glomp knocking L off his feet.

"R-Raito-kun! What's gotten into you?" Raito notices the awkward position he's landed them both in, and quickly scrambles off and to the side. He sits cross-legged, rambling out apologies, while he stares at his fingers and the cogs in his head turn, analysing the emotion that overcame all his senses.

"I-I'm so sorry, L-kun! I forgot myself! I was just so happy you weren't mad at me and… and…" He looks up and sees L watching him, head propped up on one elbow, watching him intently. His eyes widen and his lips part in shock as the feeling bubbles back to the surface.

_I love L. That's all it can be. That's what I'm feeling. Love. I am in love in L. I love him as I have never loved anyone before. that's why it hurt so much when I thought he hated me._

"Raito-kun? Are you feeling okay?" L has moved to kneel in front of him on one knee, looking extremely worried. His hand is on Raito's forehead in a gentle, caring manner and his eyes are full of concern and something else. In that instant, Raito knows what he has to do.

_Screw the morals and the worries of Earth_, he decides. _They don't matter here, anyway. All that matters is making sure L knows how I feel. And I know the perfect way to show him…_ captures the hand on his forehead with his own, smiling at L.

"I'm feeling perfectly fine, L-kun. Because I've just realised something: Mello was right about the Freudian slip." L blinks rapidly as if unsure of what Raito means.

"W-what are you talking about?" the detective stutters. Bracing himself with one arm, Raito tugs L forward so that the detective falls onto him. His hand slides back a bit, but his body stays still, watching as L's eyes widen in shock. Their lips are barely a centimetre apart.

"I am totally, unconditionally in love with you," he murmurs, "and I want to be with you always." With that, he gently shuts his eyes and catches L's lips in a sweet kiss. His heart nearly bursts from happiness when L kisses him back, each pouring as much emotion into the tender caress. And even though it's only a small declaration of love, Raito can feel fireworks exploding behind his eyelids from the touch. They part, and he can't help but smile, especially as L looks down at him in slightly shyness, a faint blush shading the other man's cheeks and the ghost of a smile on his lips.

"I love you too, Raito-kun, and I want nothing more than to be by your side forever more." In that instant, as he grins like the idiot twin brother of the Cheshire Cat, nothing else matters to Raito. Because he knows that no matter what, he'll have L.

He knows that they'll fight and that they'll stumble, fall, and trip each other up. But it won't matter. Because they have each other. They're going to watch Near come to Purgatory, and fall in love with Mello (if he didn't already do it before the Russian boy died). They're going to watch the people back on Earth live their lives over and over and over again without even realising it. but most of all, they have literally have forever together. And not just in the sappy storybook ending way (although he's sure they'll have a few of those anyway). He has forever to spend with the man he loves with all his being. And he can't wait to get started.


	5. Epilogue

_Three years later_

Raito sits in the middle of Mello's room, staring at the empty bed, waiting patiently. On his right is L, whose fingers are threaded through his, both as a form of reassurance and a way of showing his own nervousness. Because today could be the day Near comes. The couple – not to mention Mello, who's practically been _living_ at the Portal they watch Earth from – have been vigilantly waiting since Raito happened to glance down and notice that Near was in bad shape after a gun fight (Kira supporters are still insisting that their 'saviour' will return and tend to get cross at non-believers).

They know, from keeping track of the albino over the years, that Near misses Mello like crazy and that he loves the Russian boy. In fact, the day that Mello saw the poor still-living boy break and start sobbing for his once-rival to return to him so that he could profess his feelings, the ex-Mafia orphan almost broke into song, and then talked non-stop about Near's confession for a week. It was a _long_ week, and only ended when L nearly burned all of Mello's chocolate in a fit of frustration and desperation. He still mentions the profession, but only when he thinks he's not likely to have all his chocolate rations stolen from him.

Raito and L are silent as they sit side-by-side, until L sighs suddenly. Raito squeezes his hand and gently rubs his thumb along L's forefinger reassuringly. There's an unspoken hope that Mello will race back from the portal (where he's waiting to see if Near's going to die or not), screaming an affirmative, mere moments before the boy arrives. After all, the poor boy has been waiting a long time for his beloved to arrive. In the meantime, L whispers his concerns to Raito, who murmurs back assurances, praying he's right.

Only a minute after L broke the silence, the couple are startled when Mello unexpectedly races in and clambers on the bed, smiling silently, as a small form materialises. Raito watches, heart beating with happiness for his friend, as Near opens his eyes and smiles genuinely at the blond kneeling above him. Mello's eyes are filled with tears of happiness, but he lets none of them fall as he pretends to consider the ex Leader of the SPK for a moment.

"I told you I'd meet you at the finish line," he mutters shakily. "Took you long enough to get here." And with that, he draws Near into a kiss, ignoring L's loud but genuine cries of "Aww!" and Raito's suppressed laughter at his lover's girlishness. Raito can only smile as the new couple snuggle up together and L slips an arm around his waist, resting his head on Raito's shoulder. He feels a little like what he supposes a father must when he sees his children with the person they truly love as he sits next to the love of his own life: complete and content, with all the love in the world in his heart.


End file.
